Y’all…I
have a confession…a not so good, kind of shameful, I can’t believe this is me
confession. You ready? Don’t judge me!
First, let
me say that since I’ve been doing the work to improve me, I’m much more aware
of how I operate when I’m not trying…like I described in this post about the default me. But as I keep working, I continue to uncover more and more…it’s
deep…
I want
everything I do, everything I have a hand in, everything I touch, create and
begin to be perfect. {A friend helped me realize this.} I want good results,
quick, fast and in a hurry. I want my beginning to match up to other people’s
middle because well…that’s just how it goes… my self imposed high expectations
have enabled me to create an idea of perfectionism in just about every arena of
my life and as I’m sure you all know, I fall short…regularly. Perfectionist=usually
not a fun trait.
But in
that moment of feeling inadequate, is it my natural instinct to do what I would
tell all of you to do? To pray, give yourself grace, reach out to a friend? No,
it’s like I forget to do all the things I KNOW to do. Forgetful.
And
perhaps the saddest part to me is that when things aren’t perfect, when I’m not
amazing and when I haven’t met my expectations… When I’ve forgotten to pray or
call a friend…what do I want to do real, real bad??? Quit! Where is my drive,
determination, and dedication? Why would I rather exit than exert the needed
effort and energy to try again and keep working?
I share
all this not because I have some profound way to sum up this blog post with
life changing advice. Rather for me, on my journey, transparency is helpful.
Simply by recognizing what’s happening, I can be more diligent in changing the
undesirable behavior with more of what I want…one baby step, one thought, one
prayer at a time.
*Deep
breath…I feel much better now!*
Got
something on your chest? Been noticing anything about yourself lately? Please
share in the comments! J
Thanks for
reading!
I have to admit, Cee Hill, that I have the same questions, "Where is my drive, determination, and dedication?" I think I've left it the same place I've left my to do list of things that never get done. My confession is that I just become too (drumroll) lazy to tackle anything. I get done the things that are priority. The dishes are done, the bed is made, the clothes (at least the kids) are washed, and I have clean undies! AND I've even managed to cook! I'm not a perfectionist but I like things done a certain way. I noticed this more when we were forced to hire a nanny. I like the order in which I do activities with my kids, spacing them out in 15 minute increments, giving them a break (chunking lessons). I like to focus on one thing with them. I hate not being able to do things my way. As a result, I step to the side and ease my way upstairs while my kids are getting the stones of letters and numbers thrown at them. I go upstairs thinking, "God will take care of them, they will be okay!" I like my husband's t - shirts folded a certain way but when I get in a lazy mood, it doesn't matter how the nanny does it because at least its done! Ahhh..I've gotten this off my chest. Now, there are more things to be done but it is Sunday…the day of rest :-) I don't think I can swap this with another day.
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for sharing Davia! I have learned that we all have something, a confession of some sort, and it definitely feels good to not carry it around privately anymore. I can totally relate to your confession and hope you'll allow yourself some grace. Girl, it ain't easy, but we can support each other and get better every day...or at least every week, lol!! :)
DeleteI feel where you are coming from.....I have found myself not taking the advice that I have given my students so many times....ie don't procrastinate....I have been told that I am a perfectionist too....it must run in our family....I find myself wanting results but not taking the steps necessary to get it....ie a flat stomach....I have to keep my goals in mind and do what I have to do to achieve them ...because if you really really really want something...you should do what it takes to get it
ReplyDeleteOh yes...we have to do the "reps" with anything if we want it to be great...it's easy to get sidetracked, but that's when we need to review our goals and reach out for support so we don't waver too far off course! Flat stomach here we come!
DeleteThis post was dead on! We are so much alike! Being a perfectionist (or trying to be) makes for a harder everything. The stress it causes is sometimes too much to handle, hence the wanting to quit! Where does that need to be "amazing" come from? Why are we so hard on ourselves? Having high expectations is great, but are they reasonable expectations? It is possible for everything we do to be perfect? Nope! So why the pressure? Why isn't good, good enough? These are questions I ask myself everyday - every time I stay at work an extra hour to add to an already great report, every time I redo my daughters hair because her parts could be straighter...SMH! I love your honesty and I love knowing I'm not alone. Let's keep trying to remember to talk to God and our friends when the going gets tough! And, don't quit - a good perfectionist never does! :-)
ReplyDelete